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Chapter 7

THE PART I WAS PROBABLY GOING TO need the most therapy for was the expression I saw on Mom’s face every time I letabout , “Hi, Mom It’s me ”It was all about the flicker—it only lasted an instant—of excitenation She was expecting the old Eot Nikki…well, outwardly, anyway So, for a split second, she was disappointed It passed in a flash, to be replaced with her normal, oh-of-course-it’s-you faceBut it was always there, every time she saw me—the disappointhter Not really Not anymoreOn the inside maybe But not on the outsideAnd she hadn’t accepted the new me Not completelyAnd a part of uess“Oh, Enized er in her apartment, the tall blonde with theat her side I guess she’d never coot rid of the poodle, stopped washingbut sweats again, like the old me People are funny “I can’t believe you came all the way over in this weather! Weren’t you supposed to be in Aruba or so down to kiss her Before the accident, Mom had been taller than me Noas taller than Dad Even inI ca to tell her about the long-lost brother I had found waiting for h proble to burden her with s, which were rapidly beco wet in the over-radiated heat of the apart caetheard me come in“You came!” Her eyes ith excite Lulu?”On s awesohtly below Nikki Howard The fact that both of them were now in her life on an alirl nirvana froe“Uh, Lulu’s busy,” I said, dee at ed big brother “Is Dad around?”“Dad went back to New Haven,” Frida said “He couldn’t stand the fighting ”“There was no fighting,” Mootiable, and it isn’t ”Frida threw lared atback to the sofa and the Sunday Times, which she had strewn all around her, her normal weekend habit, “that you knew all this time, and you didn’t tell s I knew and hadn’t told her “I don’t see what’s wrong with it, really Cheerleading is a sport, after all ”Mom didn’t even look up from the Week in Review section “Nahed, since I’d tried the sa out for the teaure skaters wear even shorter skirts, and figure skating is an Oly is basically all gymnastics ”Mo softly over the stereo The whole apartment looked so cozy and warels Dad had picked up that etable creaels any doughy did)But looks, of course, were deceiving Cozy as the place looked, I couldn’t help suspecting it was every bit as wired as the loft was I didn’t knohere the bugs were, but I was sure they were there, so Hadn’t Dr Holcoht it was such a good idea to introduce Lulu tohe could have known I’d done only if Stark had been listening in that time Lulu and I dropped by my old apartment with a pizza?And hadn’t the Stark Institute for Neurology and Neurosurgery handed us all brand-new Stark brand cell phones on which to call one another? Phones that had been way more staticky than any mobile phone I’d ever owned—clear proof, to me, anyway, that they were tappedIt had been kind of hard after that not to believe Stark wasn’t spying on us, especially since ht every spy gadget I could get my hands on—whined like crazy every tis were, but they were there, soed my family to use the non-Stark brand, nonstaticky cell phones I’d bought them, and why I now usually keptis,” Frida said to Moo with the team to winter camp We have all our routines down, and I’m, like, the most important person I’m a base, and withouta flyer, everything falls down Further me—could be badly injured Which isn’t to say our coach isn’tcamp, we learn proper techniques to avoid injuries as well as new stunts and routines that will blow the co is a really good extracurricular It looks great on your college apps I mean, do you want me to look like a total loser, like Em, who has no extracurriculars whatsoever?”“Hey,” I said, co ery, you never did anything after school, except boring coo to tropical islands for swimsuit shoots and stuff ”“I do not like,” Mo her paper, “the tone that this conversation has taken I do not want hters’ extracurricular activities to be swi the base supports of hu to sit on the couch beside her “It’s sotea new friends, while at the sahtened up a little The truth was, I’d been feeling a little depressed since this afternoon, co forthe news about Nikki’s mom That, followed by the inforel, hadn’t really done -at-the-botto how much Frida hadthe trick I mean, she wasn’t half the whiny, self-centered kid she’d been beforeher way Not anyo to this cheerleading ca to ret it, Mom Because, the best part is, the camp is in Miami, which is really close to where Grand there, anyway, for winter break So I can still be with you guys at night, only during the day, I can go to camp with everybody else I don’t even have to stay in the hotel with the rest of the teas fro she’d rarely, if ever, done before I couldn’t believe howwo a pair of pants that said “Juicy” on the butt“That sounds totally reasonable,” I said “We can all fly down together and stay at Grand ca with Gran Won’t that be fun?”Before the words were fully out ofat ure out why I mean, ent to Grandma’s in Boca for the holidays Mom’s Jewish and Dad’s not, so in our house we’d always celebrated both Christmas (the secular, Santa version) and Hanukkah Gran was always fine with that, and it was nice to spend Christ the first part of a New York winterWas this year going to be different somehow? That’s what Mom’s and Frida’s looks seemed to imply“Em, honey,” Mo…I knoe never discussed it, but I just assuo to Grandma’s this year Or any year Stark would never allow it You know you’re not supposed to be seen with us Hoould they explain it if the paparazzi snapped a picture of you with us on the beach in Florida over the holidays?”I blinked at herOh Right Stark My eme…maybe ProbablyDefinitely“And besides,” she went on, “you knoe told Grandma—everyone in the family, actually—that you…died Hoould we explain to her—and her friends—what Nikki Hoas doing, joining us for our family vacation? Obviously, you couldn’t be Em around her…”Of course My obituary The ory death by plasht,” I said My bones did that frozen thing again, the way they had outside the Stark Megastore, the scene of the accident that had caused all this Only this time I wasn’t outside, with soblandly down at me So there was no rational explanation for why I suddenly felt like I was freezing cold “Grandht I was going to her condo for the holidays with the rest of , sitting over by the door, filled rapped gifts for all of them, to take down to Florida to open with Grandht I was deadI was Nikki Howard nowEh—or a laugh that I hoped sounded careless It actually soundedback tears—where did those come from?—but I hoped Moot about Stark And the contract And everything Geez I’ot up off the couch to wrap an arh I took a step back, away froht? We probably should have discussed this, but I just assu, anyway, so…”“I’ away from her I didn’t want her to see my tears, that I wasn’t fine Also, I was afraid that her touch would cause me to crumble “Actually, it’s e party, and I orried about hoas going to break the news to her that I wasn’t going to be able to be there, and noon’t have to So, phew!”Moht“You knohat,” she said “This is silly We’ll just stay here in town for the holidays this year I’ll give Gran a call I’ out—”Frida didn’t seem to hear what Mo else “Lulu’s having a party?” she asked “A holiday party? A I said about Frida being sofor the outdoor things I’d only just put down, like Cosy’s coat and leash and ot, I promised Lulu, actually, that I’d pick up so close to five and the party store is going to close since it’s Sunday, so I better go—”“E as if her heart were breaking on my behalfBut I was too quick for her I sidestepped her and was halfway out the door and down the hall before either of theuys later,” I tossed back over ainBut I was hurrying toward the elevator, hoping I’d get there before the tears did, and before either of theht up to et past the door, under the protective canopy, before I burstAnd then my face melted Or at least that’s what it felt like The tears inhotly downin front of or around me, because it all kind of disappeared into a hot mess of little dots and ss in the nineteenth-century wing in the Metropolitan, as the tears took over everything I’m pretty sure there was snot involved, tooAnd even as I was doing it—crying, Ito Grandma’s that much, except for the beach and her pool Her condo ay too small for the four of us plus her, and I always had to sleep on a foldout cot that was too short for els for breakfast instead of the real kind you could get here in New York, still warooey in the o, because I was dead…Well, it just made ht It had been so nice down there, so quiet and cals ofMom, Wear This Diamond Bra, or Don’t Go to Florida with Us, You’re Dead, Reuess in a way, I was at the bottoain I was just as cold, anyway, and just as alone—except for Cosy—and soon I’d have to go out into that sleet, and then I’d be just as wet, since I didn’t bring an umbrellaSuddenly, I decided I couldn’t take it I just couldn’t take it! I knew I must have looked like an idiot, but I didn’t care There was no one around Only a fool would have been out in weather like this, anyway I decided just to stand there and cry At least until a cab went by and I could try to hail itBecause no as I walking ho there in front ofsorry forit was Eddie the doorood luck finding one in this weather—I turnedI still couldn’t exactly see because of uely make out a“Nikki?” a familiar voice asked As familiar to me, almost, as my own Or as familiar as my own voice used to be, before my larynx was crushed beneath three hundred pounds of plasma televisionIt wasn’t Eddie It was sootten that little fact during the pity party I’d been throwing for myselfAnd for a second, I nearly choked on my own tearsBecause it was Christopher